Roger, Roger...what's your vector, Victor?
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Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humour? The
following
are reported accounts of actual exchanges between airline and
control
towers from around the world.
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During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale,
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The
irate
ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew
screaming,
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn
right on
"Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on
"Delta". Stop right there. I
know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's
but get
it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting
hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take
forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell
you to.
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour
and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell
you. You got that, US Air 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly
silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the
irate
ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit
at LGA
was running high.
Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the
U.S. Air
crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I
married to you once?"
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The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on
downwind
to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide
spacing
between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you
know it
costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this
airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger. Give
me four
thousand dollars worth!"
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach
speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751
heavy, turn
right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off of
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the
airport.
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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a
727, one
o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu,
eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
"Well... I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
Chevelle, though."
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>From unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself
immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...
by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the
far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
Roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker,
one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got that
Fokker in sight."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location
but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with
some
amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following
exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747
(call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206
clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgenYou will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and
slowed to
a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our
gate
location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have
you never
flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another
type of Boeing.
I didn't stop."
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I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in
Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the
junior
crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't
recall call
signs any longer)
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak
English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent- Ground: "Because you lost the
bloody war!"
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