Jokes

Some are lame, some are good, but either way you'll be the life of the party next time your all drunk if you remember these...

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There was this business man that was going on a business trip. He wanted something to keep his wife occupied so he went to the sex shop. He told the clerk the situation and the clerk suggested the voodoo penis. The business asked what it did. The clerk simply replied "Voodoo penis, door" and with that the voodoo penis got up and started pounding at the keyhole. The businessman bought it and took it home. A few days later, the man's wife got undressed, lied on the bed and said "voodoo penis, my crotch" the voodoo penis jumped up and started pounding away at her crotch. But the businessman hadn't told her how to stop it. She went to the hospital and on her way there, she almost ran into a policeman. The policeman pulled her over and asked her if she had been drinking. She said she hadn't but she had a voodoo penis in her crotch. The policeman replied smartly, "Voodoo penis my ass" and the rest writes itself.

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"When Hell Freezes"

Once upon a time, a gay man with a tremendous sex-drive died and went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.

"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. The gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're just there.

"After walking some more, Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter dropped his keys and then bent over to pick them up. The guy, having no self control, jumped on him.

Peter by now was fed up and sent the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter went down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something was wrong, it was freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he found the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so goddamn cold down here?" Peter asked.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

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Just for Jacqui

"I have Sinned"

A catholic priest is about to go on holiday, so he tells his assistant that he will have to take mass on Sunday.

"No problem" says the assistant.

The priest tells him that he will have to take confessions as well. This gets the assistant worried because he's never done it before. The priest tells him not to worry, he'll leave a list of sins and punishments in the confessional. The priest goes on holiday and his assistant is taking his first confessions. a young woman goes in to confess and says "forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my married boss a blow job". The young assistant looks at the list and can't find blowjob. He bursts out of the confessional and sees a choirboy going past.

"Quick, tell me what the old man gives for a blow job" he says, and the choir boy answers "a Kit Kat usually"

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A blonde California cheerleader was driving  home  from a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  Her car was covered with dents, so   the next  day she took it to the repair  shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde California cheerleader & decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out.

So, the cheerleader went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tail  pipe.  Nothing happened.  She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. 

Her roommate, one of the other cheerleaders, came home and said, "What  are you doing?"  The first  blonde California cheerleader told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her  blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "DUH   Hello!,

You need to roll up the windows  first!!"

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A  wombat  and  a hooker go back to her place  and they get undressed. The wombat  goes  down  on  the  hooker   ...  for 3 hours straight.  She has multiple orgasms.  After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his clothes. The  woman is hanging back huffing and puffing  from exhaustion. "Oh  God, that was great! Now I need my money."

The  wombat  just  looks  at her and shrugs.    Then the hooker says "No, I need my money.  I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The  wombat  just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the  hooker  gets  up and runs to the  bookshelf and grabs a dictionary and thumbs it to "hooker."

She  hands  it to the wombat and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money" then the  wombat turns the page  to "wombat" and walks out the door.

The hooker reads: WOMBAT:  Eats bushes, roots, shoots and leaves."

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"  The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and > cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know  where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK!  OK!  OK!  The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather,

"He says...go to hell...  ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.  "Are you my doctor?" He asked. "Yes, I am", the doctor replied..  The baby said, "Thank you for  taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes I am," she said,"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born, " he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered.. The baby motioned him close, then poked him real hard on the forehead with  his index finger five times saying, "Hurts doesn't it?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She is laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the hospital corridor. Before they enter the room, she leaves the young girl behind the operating theatre door and goes in to see if everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away, and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man wearing a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, the lady grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders and says, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who  is ahead by a couple of strokes.  The golfer says to himself,  "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the   putt.  Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only   get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."  He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!"  He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair  with you because you don't know who I am I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer.  "My name's... Father O'Malley."

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A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you  yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling  you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

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A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbour bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbour, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grass hoppers!"

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A man went to the doctor for a physical because he hadn't been feeling well. A few days later, the doctor called and spoke with the wife. "Before I talk with your husband about his condition, I wanted to speak with you. Your husband is a very sick man, but he does have a good chance to live many more years if his diet is kept very bland - no salt, no spices, nothing rich or fatty."

The wife said, "Of course, doctor, I'd be glad to cook whatever I need to cook for him any way it needs to be prepared."

The doctor said, "That' good, because there's one other thing that will assure his longevity. Under no circumstances must he be upset. That means no arguments, no disagreements, no nagging. Whatever he wants, you must agree to, because to upset him would run the serious risk of endangering his health and his life. Do you understand?"

The wife replied very soberly, "Yes. I understand. Thank you, doctor."

Her husband walked in as she hung up the phone, and having heard her last statement asked, "What did the doctor have to say?"

She looked at her husband, walked over to him, kissed him gently on the cheek, and lovingly snuggled her head against his chest as she held him firmly. "I'm sorry, dear," she said softly, "he says you're going to die."

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it is a bad one. Both of their cars are totally destroyed but amazingly, neither the man nor the woman are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says to the man, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, " I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, " And look at this, here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune!"

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it and hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you going to have any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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Watch Out For That Tree A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident."

"I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

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As an elderly lady sat on her porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well", said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof".

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered,

"I'll bet you're sorry you ever had me neutered."

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Married A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.  The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every  Englishperson in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."          

The Pope says, "No way.  You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the  crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?  I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope head butts her.

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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.  We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of  the cows had something white at its rear end.  I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,  there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?"  asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

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Andy & Adam were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Andy came up with a  brilliant strategy ....."I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Adam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Adam's fly. 

"Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.  They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more.

"I just can't do this anymore", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much." 

"It's all right for you", Adam replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears, and she answered, "I was ironing a skirt and the phone rang; but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!"

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It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A
box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild
guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher
held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of
the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?"
she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage
to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and sweetly says:

"That excuse would not be acceptable. You can still write with your other hand."

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Bumper Stickers...

Save the trees... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.

If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde") Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!

Fight Crime: Shoot Back! Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

A pat on the back is only a foot away from a kick in the ass.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? Boldly going nowhere.

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde Don't be sexist -- Broads hate that!

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

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This useful tool, commonly  found  in the  range  of  8   inches  long. The functioning of which is  enjoyed by  members   of  both  sexes. Is  usually found hung, dangling loosely,   ready  for  instant action. It boasts of a clump of little  hairy things  at  one end  and a small hole at the other. In use, it  is   inserted, almost  always  willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes   quickly,  into  a  warm, fleshy, moist opening where  it   is thrust  an  and  drawn  out  again and again many times in  succession, often  quickly  and  accompanied by squirming bodily   movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements when finally withdrawn, it leaves a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleansing from the other surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to tis freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but much often less.

What am I???????

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none oither that your very own.......... 

Toothbrush.........

What were you  thinking?

You PERVERT!

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Genie In A Bottle
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There once was a man who went on an expedition, and he found a beautiful vase. It said "Rub Me" so he did. Out popped a genie.

The genie said to the man, "I will grant you one wish." The guy said, "I thought I got 3 wishes? "But the genie said, "No. One, take it or leave it!" The guy said, "I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT!!"

So the guy thinks hard and says, "I am afraid of flying so I want you to build me a Freeway from my house to Hawaii." The genie says, "Are you nuts!!!"

So the guy thinks hard again and says, "Ok -- Ok." He finally come up with a wish for the genie. The guy says, "I want to learn all about women. How they think? How come they keep dumping me? And how I can make them love me so I can keep them?"

So the genie thinks and thinks and thinks and finally the genie says to the man.....
"Did you want that freeway with 2 lanes or 4???"

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A boy was walking down the road when a car pulled over .  If you get in, the driver said, I'll give you $10.

The boy refused and kept on walking.

A bit further along, the man pulled over again.  "Ok, how about $20 and a bag of lollies?" the driver asks.

The boy told the man to piss off, and kept on walking.

Further up the road, the driver tried once more "Right this is my final offer, I'll give you $50 and all the lollies you can eat".

The little boy stopped walking, went towards the car, leaned in and said,

"You bought the f*cking Volvo, DAD......  now live with it".

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Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.  Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"  Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,  "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"  Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "No worries there, I'll just keep shagging her up the arse for now..."

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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.  As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"  She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby?  That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

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"The Rich Hooker"

There was a hooker who lived in a condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. One time she had a client in her condo and he asked her if she gave good hand jobs. She said, "Do you see this condo we're in? I bought it by giving good hand jobs." So her trick told her to give him a hand job. After the hooker gave the man a hand job he asked her if she gave good blow jobs. She said, "Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it giving good blow jobs." So her trick told her to give him a blow job. When she was done, the man asked her if she was good in bed. She said, "Look out this window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if I had a pussy."

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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot? "How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies? There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small? Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... Men will screw anything.

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Leisurely Drive
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to
the woman driving and said, "Mildred!  Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!  You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.  Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.  After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.  He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.  He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.   Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.   After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.  Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled.  there was a long pause...  The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.  Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.  And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one.  "After another long pause a voice arose and asked, And the fourth condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."

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A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love. The next night she put two viagra's in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic.

The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee. Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied,

"Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in the yard yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers. "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.............. 

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

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Bob and Joe sat next to each other taking a test.  When they finished the teacher called them up to the front of the room and said, "Boys, I will have to give both of you a zero on this test"

"W-why?" they wanted to know, though Joe was shifting uncomfortably.

She said, "Your answers were too near alike.  One of you cheated and the other let him do it."

"What makes you think we cheated" Bob asked?  "That could have been a coincidence.

The teacher said, "I might believe that, if it wasn't for the fact that when you came to question 10, Bob put 'I don't know' for the answer, and you, Joe, put 'Me neither!'"

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A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off" he replies.

"You dirty bastard" shouts the barmaid, "get out".

The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid accepts this and asks what he wants again, "I want to pull down your panties, spread cottage cheese between your cheeks and lick it off" he replies.

"What" shouts the barmaid, "Your barred, you dirty bastard, get out".

Once again the bloke apologies, and says he will never do it again. "I'll give you one last chance" says the barmaid, "now what do you want".

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it out of you". The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband who is sitting down watching the telly.

"What's up love" says the husband.

"There's this bloke down stairs, when I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off" she says in a flood of tears.

"What! he's a dead man" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my cheeks and lick it off" says the wife.

"Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard" shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me". When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair. "Aren't you going to do something?" shouts the wife crying her eyes out.

"I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness".

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Moral Lessons

The  rural teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The  next  day   the  kids  came  back  and  one by one began to tell their stories.  Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of Egg-laying hens.

One  time  we  were  taking our eggs to market in a basket in front of the pickup  when  we  hit  a  bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke  and  made  a  mess.  The   teacher said, "And what's the moral of the story."

"'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'"

"Very good," said the teacher.

"Now Lucy, what is your story?"

"Our  family  are  farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One  time  we  had  a dozen eggs that a hen was hatching, but when the eggs hatched  we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is "Don't count your chickens until they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story Lucy."

"Johnny,  do  you  have a story?"

"Yes Ma'am", my daddy told me this story about  Uncle Bob. My Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit by  an  SAM missile. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was  a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of  100  enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he  ran  out  of bullets; then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke; and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"My goodness," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your Daddy give you from that horrible story?"

Johnny smiled brightly and replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking

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God's  sitting  up  in  heaven,  he's  had  enough   of the pressures and stresses  of  being  the number one, so    he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his friends up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions.

"What about Mars" , says one of them.

"Nah  I  went  there  15,000  years  ago",   says  God,  "It was shit, no atmosphere,  too  dusty and there was an AMWAY convention in town that kept pissing me off."

"What about Pluto", suggests another

"Nah  I  went  there  about  10,000   years   ago",  says God "absolutely freezing and none of the ski lifts were in operation"

"What about Mercury then" says another "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, didn't put any sunscreen on and nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again" says God

"Well what about Earth then" suggests another.

"You  must  be  joking"  says  God, "I went there about 2,000 years ago, shagged some Jewish bird, and they're still fuckin' talking about it.

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3 guys are sitting in a bar; an Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie.

The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend. I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees she floatsa 6 cm abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 cm above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "That's nothn' cobber. When I've finished shaggin' me shiela, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof!!!"

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Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds.

After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly, unattractive woman who said "have sex with me or climb the ladder to success".

This was not a hard choice for Jack. Jack ran up the ladder. At the next cloud he met a better looking woman who said "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success".

Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder further up.  At the next cloud he met the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She looked at him and begged "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success". Jack was extremely tempted but figuring it could only get better, he chose to climb the ladder at least one more time.

At the > next > > cloud Jack was startled when a greasy, 100 kg naked man with a huge penis grabbed  him. Jack screamed "who the hell are you?" The man replied, "I'm Cess".

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who came over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to  him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers at the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my health."

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Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

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Bubba
------

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.  He says, "I bet anyone here 50 bucks that this octopus can play any musical instrument you give him." First guy walks up and hands the octopus a guitar.  The octopus starts rippin it up, playin Hendrix and shit...The guy is duly impressed and hands over 50 bucks.
    The next guy brings up a saxophone and gives it to the octopus with a smirk. Without hesitation, the octopus starts playin some smooth jazz saxophone.   Speechless, the guy forks over his 50 bucks.
    The next guy brings up a set of bagpipes.  The octopus fumbles around for a minute then puts them down on the stool with a confused look.  Guy says, "What's the matter? Can't play it?"  The octopus says, "Play it?   What are you talkin' about? I would screw this bitch if I could figure out how to get her pajamas off..."

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Excerpt from a recent live radio interview on one of the regional Welsh stations:

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:

Interviewer: So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?
Mr Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, abseiling, canoeing, archery, shooting...
Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one are you?

Needless to say, the interview was terminated almost immediately.

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The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid,  some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the  tavern next door for a quick one. 

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey!  We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.  "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few > pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.  About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to his companion. "Well, of course," said his companion.  "Don't you see? 

It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."