Inala Olympics

Inala is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic Games.  In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat. However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Marsden, Woodridge, Beenleigh and Ipswich.

OPENING CEREMONY: The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the City wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversized stomach.

THE EVENTS:

100 METRE SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starter's gun, a Police Dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.    

100 METRE HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, train etc.

HAMMER THROW: Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

SHOOTING: A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving Police Vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Console Operator or Video Store attendant.

BOXING: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday Night usually at the local showgrounds. The husband will be given 15 glasses of Bundy and Coke at the Inala Hotel followed by a quick check of a Fortitude Valley lapdancing joint, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing Bike Pants (to stop the chaffing), Metallica t-shirt, and thongs and makes a valid attempt to get him to remove the transmission out of the bath.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS: The competitor will attend the Mt Ommaney Shopping Centre where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummys Boy (preferably from a Grammar College), they will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.

MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a Motor Vehicle, Arson, Wilful Exposure.

MEN'S 50KM WALK: Unfortunately this is now cancelled as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of any of these towns.

GYMNASTICS: The Beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Inala Hotel.The event will commence at Closing time - we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Inala Watchhouse.

CLOSING CEREMONY: Entertainment will include the Local Torres Straight Islander Dancing Group, accompanied by a Local ACDC cover band. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by local representatives by urrinating from the base of the spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air conditioners.

Riverview is the latest to add their bid and instead of Discus they are adding Drive By Shootings in which the competitors have to kill as many people as they can in the alloted time.