This classic is purported to be an actual essay written by a
college applicant to NYU, in response to the following question:

3A.  IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF NYU TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION:  ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD,
OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE
YOU AS A PERSON?

    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-
winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

    Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I woo
women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-
handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was
scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I
enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy evening wear.  I don't perspire.  I am a private
citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number
nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured
New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400.

    My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in interna-
tional botany circles.  Children trust me. I can hurl tennis
rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening.  I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations with
the CIA.

    I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  I balance, I
weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On week-
ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write
it down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only
a mouli and a toaster oven.

    I breed prize-winning clams.  I have won bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees
at the Kremlin. I  have played Hamlet, I have performed
open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

    But I have not yet gone to college.

...(The author was accepted to, and attended NYU)